to block my beta, or to let it rip...
So my preparation to the run up of the great day commenced…
I had a huge amount of support and encouragement from family, friends and colleagues. An almost embarrassing quantity.
‘Why don’t you record it’ said Pavla ‘Then you can listen to it and memorise it whilst you’re doing farmy things. Or when you’re in the car or tractor, walking the dogs…seeing to the cows and whatnot. I’m sure Olly has the right machine.’
‘That’s a brilliant idea!’ suddenly I felt a little less daunted ‘I mean I can even listen to it whilst painting the windows! That’ll help. I was fretting a bit. Torn, you know, between preparing and painting!’
You’ll remember that we’re in the throws of redoing all our windows and doors, plus 101 other farm jobs that have been on hold during the summer’s rain. Unfortunate in one way that dry weather and a host of previously arranged commitments coincided, but now being able to listen and learn whilst getting on with other things was an enormous relief. And yes, we had the appropriate equipment.
Other long suffering folk were held captive audience as I sat them down and practiced presenting. Robert and Ben helped with selecting photos and the layout for my powerpoint presentation. All manner of tips and advice came pouring in from every direction; I even found out one of my customers was a ‘presentation-pro’! Berengere, Ben’s wife with numerous scientific presentations under her belt, suggested I might dose myself up with beta blockers…‘Me? Are you serious? I’m a drug free zone!’ but she insisted that the very nervous do find oblivion in them. Well, who was I to resist…
So off I went to the GP. Having explained myself he proceeded to blind me with an impressive army of drugs on offer! I decided to leave off exotics and plump for common-or-garden beta blockers, as recommended. Most probably I wouldn’t take them…but, forearmed is forewarned!
The ‘natural’ method? My herbalist (I’m far happier with tinctures and potions) mixed me up a calming concoction she’d found very helpful for soothing nervous nerves, exploding with valerian and skullcap!
Finally my Alexander teacher gave me a spit and polish just to make absolutely sure I was balanced, grounded, centred, poised…and breathing.
Could anyone be more prepared? I don’t think so…
…and tomorrow – the finale!
Locks Park Farm 
10 comments
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September 29, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Lindsay
I am surprised beta blockers are prescribed just for calming the nerves. They are essentially used for heart problems – I have to have them due to atrial fibrillation. They are powerful drugs!
September 29, 2009 at 2:37 pm
paula
I know – hypertension and all that. But we’re not just talking slight butterflies-in-the-tummy here, more like sheer terror that totally inhibits performance. The doctors do check you out and your soaring blood pressure as you talk about your fear. Beta blockers are one of the commonest drugs prescribed for performing nerves – many musicians use them. A low dose of valium can also be prescribed – though I would have been asleep with a sniff.
Anyhow, I didn’t use them, as I was worried as to how I’d react. I avoid all prescribed chemicals and have done for many, many years, which might give a clue as too how ‘big’ this unreasonable fear is. Think phobia.
This post is written tongue-in-cheek against myself and ‘lightening’ the somewhat debilitating effects of irrational panic.
October 2, 2009 at 1:50 am
Catherine Sherman
I took beta blockers one time for a speech. I think it had more of a placebo effect than anything, because I didn’t need them again to speak the next time. I’m still not clamoring to give speeches, though. And the offers aren’t pouring in, either. You have a lot of experience and humor, so you’ll be perfect. You just tell them what you know!
October 4, 2009 at 11:38 am
paula
You’re right there Cathy – I think just the ‘having’ of them in case I needed them acted as a sort of placebo, though I’m not too sure that I’ll be any different next time! One day maybe…I hope to surprise myself.
October 2, 2009 at 8:10 pm
heidi
Don’t be hard on yourself, that fight or flight response is a very real reaction, fueled by your own bodies chemicals. I know there is a facing your fears component, but still, it is not easy to stand up and go for it.
I get stage fright myself, but once I get to blabbering( as shown here) on I forget about hard my heart is pounding, or how sweaty Iam from fear. Iam with you, I avoid drugs, for many reasons, the main being I can’t tolerate them. They hit my stomach and back up they come. The most I will take is Ibupropen when I get a migraine.
I bet the speech was amazing! can’t wait to read how it went.:)
October 4, 2009 at 11:46 am
paula
Unfortunately my body just won’t let me get away with forgetting it – wish it damn well would! No, I’m not tolerant to drugs either – stick to the herbal tinctures and homeopathy – so I would have to try and mimic a similar situation some way in advance to see how I reacted, or if I was even more incapacitated!
Ah well…one day, one day I WILL feel differently (I wish).
October 4, 2009 at 8:02 am
Sian
Oh you are such a tease – I want to hear how it went! Are you a TV serial writer in your spare time, the ones with the requisite cliff hanger endings? LOL!
As to beta blockers – yes several of my academic colleagues use them for major presentations at conferences and as you say they are often used for one off situations. I can’t use beta-blockers due to asthma so I’m prescribed diazapam (valium). I use half a valium the night before to sleep and get rest, then half in the morning to just take the edge off the fear but leave me with enough adrenalin to keep my performance “sparky”. And I can relate to your panic – I have problems with a hair trigger on the adrenalin in certain situations and sometimes drugs are the only thing that help. It *is* a hellish situation because on a rational level I can’t understand why my body reacts that way but it does and in certain professional circumstances I just need to do what I have to to cope with it!
Look forward to hearing about your “performance” which I’m betting went down a storm! I’d pay to hear you speak if it’s anything like the writing on your blog! Honest!!
October 4, 2009 at 8:11 pm
paula
Do you think someone out there will offer me a job soon Sian??!
You do recognize the problem! And you’re familiar with the disbelief at the irrationality of it all. Comforting though to know other people suffer similar reactions.
I’m doing the follow up NOW…
October 4, 2009 at 8:33 am
mary
Not nagging. Promise. Tomorrow, tomorrow!
October 4, 2009 at 8:13 pm
paula
I’m on to it…I’m on to it! An unexpected house full of people put the scuppers on it.